Covert Narcissism is a subtype of narcissistic personality disorder. Because covert narcissists’ behaviors are more subtle than overtly narcissistic individuals, they can be difficult to identify, and the reality of the toxic environment they create can be confusing to understand. A vast majority are women.
Common traits include:
- Constant need for attention and admiration– The covert narcissist has a significant, often hidden, need for attention and validation from others, seeking praise and admiration, while trying to appear humble. She will likely become angry and resentful if she does not feel she is getting the attention and appreciation she deserves and may act destructively as a result.
- Lack of empathy– The absence of genuine concern for others’ feelings means the covert narcissist often lacks remorse for her actions and is unable to understand or care about the emotional damage she inflicts. Although she may appear overly supportive and caring at times, she likely has significant difficulty understanding and validating others’ feelings. Any attempts to do so are generally disingenuous, manipulative, and self-serving in nature.
- Fear of criticism and rejection– Despite her inflated sense of self-importance, the covert narcissist is deeply insecure and fears exposure as a fraud. She may develop an external persona to mask her true inner sense of inadequacy. When held accountable, the covert narcissist will often resort to hostile tactics such as sabotage or other intentionally destructive actions to bolster her fragile ego. Her biggest outrage is to be rendered irrelevant.
- Envy and jealousy of others– The covert narcissist tends to compare herself to others, especially those who cause her to feel inferior. She may be jealous of other’s accomplishments, possessions, and relationships and engage in either undermining behaviors to denigrate others or exaggeration, embellishment, and grandiosity to bolster her own ego.
- Inability to accept responsibility– Covert narcissists have a difficult time seeing or admitting any fault or mistake. She will tend to blame others even for her most egregious transgressions.
- Grandiose fantasies– Although she may try to appear humble or even self-deprecating at times, the covert narcissist tends to have an inflated and exaggerated sense of self-importance. She may imagine the adoration of others and even love or other connections that do not, in reality, exist.
- Difficulty with genuine emotional connection– Due to her focus on her own needs, the covert narcissist tends to have difficulty making true and authentic connections with others. What may seem like connection is generally self-serving manipulation.
- Sense of entitlement– The covert narcissist believes she has the right to act as she wishes without regard for consequences. This will wreak havoc on her relationships with others and may recklessly cause harm to innocent casualties.
- Predatory behaviors– The covert narcissist will often target individuals she can exploit or take advantage of to bolster her sense of control and inflate her fragile ego. She may appear vulnerable, but this is generally to bait her targets and feel out their level of empathy to later exploit it.
How to manage a covert narcissist:
The best way to handle a covert narcissist is not to. These individuals are generally not amenable to change, and their behaviors can be very destructive and damaging in relationships. If, for some reason, you cannot cut them out of your life completely, keep a safe distance and set very clear boundaries. Seek the help of a therapist if you are struggling to maintain your own mental health around these individuals.
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